Thoughts on Nationality and Identity
From the second I got here I've been trying to adapt and not stand out as much as possible, no matter how conservative this small town is. At first I was game; so what if I can't go out on the weekends cause only guys go out, and so what if I can't drink or smoke because only bad girls do that, and so what if I have to adhere to a cultural code that is so conservative by American standards because it's based on respect and resisting vices and evils. I say so what because in exchange for all of that I feel loved, respected and cared for by two very generous families, I am respected and included in my school community, and I am generally welcomed by all in this small Balinese town. I am not outcasted.
Besides being conservative though, Balinese seem to be very laidback and people generally have a take-life-as-it-comes, don't-sweat-the-small-stuff type attitude. The reaction to the recent bombings is a good example of this. Most Balinese I know seemed to feel that the bombings were horrible but that's life and shit happens and you move on. There's not that ultra-defensive prepare-for-the-worst-case-scenario type attitude that exploded in the US after 9/11 .
However, lately I've been struggling with the contrast in identities as an independent woman from the US and an obedient Balinese girl. I had a little drama here that challenged my former contentedness with becoming Balinese. Before my birthday, I brought an Indonesian friend from another island, a surfer with a mohawk and two earrings, to visit. I quickly realized, though, that I can't bring "badboy" surfer friends to my town. I shocked the pants off my two Balinese moms.
Before, I was trying to balance my Americanness with my newfound Balineseness but I'm finding that it's more of a one-or-the-other type thing. As long as I'm in this town in Bali, I have to conform if I want to be accepted. As hard as that is. That means removing the nose ring before going to school, pretending I'm a virgin, etc. It seems wrong, to pretend to be something I'm not, but for two Balinese mothers who see me as their Balinese daughter I would be causing them even more stress and unnecessary worry by being my independent "American self". In exchange for their love and protection I won't give them stress. It's not lying it's more just adapting...something I've done my whole multicultural life.
At the same time I can't help but defend my "Americanness" and think, hey, this is a cultural exchange and so understanding on the part of Balinese should be expected, right? Maybe by being my independent, make-my-own-choices "US" self I'm actually providing perspective for many Balinese here on what young people in the US are like? But I can't represent all "Americans"...
Damn I never thought I'd be identifying so much as an "American" but here the contrast between US and Balinese cultures is so apparent to me (more than in any other country I've been to) that I have I'm kinda clinging to my US identity more than ever...sigh.
Besides being conservative though, Balinese seem to be very laidback and people generally have a take-life-as-it-comes, don't-sweat-the-small-stuff type attitude. The reaction to the recent bombings is a good example of this. Most Balinese I know seemed to feel that the bombings were horrible but that's life and shit happens and you move on. There's not that ultra-defensive prepare-for-the-worst-case-scenario type attitude that exploded in the US after 9/11 .
However, lately I've been struggling with the contrast in identities as an independent woman from the US and an obedient Balinese girl. I had a little drama here that challenged my former contentedness with becoming Balinese. Before my birthday, I brought an Indonesian friend from another island, a surfer with a mohawk and two earrings, to visit. I quickly realized, though, that I can't bring "badboy" surfer friends to my town. I shocked the pants off my two Balinese moms.
Before, I was trying to balance my Americanness with my newfound Balineseness but I'm finding that it's more of a one-or-the-other type thing. As long as I'm in this town in Bali, I have to conform if I want to be accepted. As hard as that is. That means removing the nose ring before going to school, pretending I'm a virgin, etc. It seems wrong, to pretend to be something I'm not, but for two Balinese mothers who see me as their Balinese daughter I would be causing them even more stress and unnecessary worry by being my independent "American self". In exchange for their love and protection I won't give them stress. It's not lying it's more just adapting...something I've done my whole multicultural life.
At the same time I can't help but defend my "Americanness" and think, hey, this is a cultural exchange and so understanding on the part of Balinese should be expected, right? Maybe by being my independent, make-my-own-choices "US" self I'm actually providing perspective for many Balinese here on what young people in the US are like? But I can't represent all "Americans"...
Damn I never thought I'd be identifying so much as an "American" but here the contrast between US and Balinese cultures is so apparent to me (more than in any other country I've been to) that I have I'm kinda clinging to my US identity more than ever...sigh.
posted by Angie at 7:08 PM
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